2004-09-05 - 12:48 a.m.
may 9 sunday
what ever it takes, or how my heart breaks, i'll be right here waiting for you
~richard marx
today was mothers day. me and mom went to peddlars village. none of us had any money so we just window shopped, got some lunch and went home.
there is this one store that had really nice jewelry in it. i could have bought out the whole store! not too expensive either.
after that i decided to go to target. i had a gift card and i have been in a dangerous shopping mood. so i said to myself buy a new purse or something. so i go in and thier are brite and shinny things to my left so that is the way i go. i go down a few isles and as i am coming out of an isle this guy stoppes and staires at me. i'm like ok whatever. i keep walking and i hear april? you would know that voice anywhere. a bit scratchy yet charmingly melodic. i felt my whole back tense.
i turned and sure enough. it was trek. i wanted to run away but my feet and my heart kept me there.
we exchanged pleasantries and then he hugged me. i was fine up until we touched. as soon as he wrapped his arms around me i was this weak puddle of mush. after all this time he can still make me wanna die. i hate him for that. but i love him for it too.
he asked me if i still had the same phone number and i said yes and i told him to call me. what the fuck was i thinking. you know what i said to him just then? i said here is this silver platter and here is my heart. oh yes and this big old nail. now what you do is you drive the nail threw the heart like so. fuckin retarted. but i want him to call me and i dont want him to call me. he was so horribe to me but i remember the good times. i remember how he kissed, how he made me feel. i want that back. but i know with all that comes the pain of loosing him again. i know that he will never stay with me. i know that. stupid brain. stupid heart.
i grabbed a black purse and left. all i wanted to do was get back to my car and call someone. i did. i called almost everyone. they assured me i wasnt stupid. i feel weak and disgusted with myself. all this time of bieng strong to be let right out of the window with one touch. STUPID STUPID STUPID.
D was around and i went to her house. she made me feel better and then i talked to deb on the way home and she made me feel a bit better as well. stupid trek. :P
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