2003-14-10 - 11:35 a.m.
oct 14
i couldnt sleep at all last night. the couch is uncomforetable and my mind wouldnt stop running. every time my eyes would close i would hear something or see visions of that train running over my poor cousin. a cousin i never knew. which i also feel very guilty about.
i watched tv until about 4. i finally fell asleep around then. good taht did me. work in three hours. damn it.
after a whole full day of work and thinking about horrid things i went to 1.50 margarita night with deb, melissa, and 2 of debs co workers. one of them told me that her boyfriend lived right by the tracks where my cousin was killed. i would move.
oct 15
couldnt sleep again last night. i was thinking about how i really should learn self defense. or maybe buy a gun. khan could teach me to shoot it. i mean hell why not right? anything to keep me safe i guess. i need to get over this. i need this to pass. i need sleep!
my mother is home though!!! for some reason that makes me feel worlds better. i tried to explain to her that i am not doing all that well but i dont think it sunk in. she did however buy me
a cell phone.
when i got home i had called panila to see if he wanted to hang on sat or something. i told him about my cousin and his response was "this shit happens to you every 3 weeks" like i was lying to him or something. then he immediatly turns the convo around to how he thinks jen is mad at him. i was stunned. i got off the phone and proceeded to feel very hurt. and then angry. lol.
i went to aunt dittles house and omg is she a wreck. i met her son i never knew existed. and his son. lol. christ.
after that kellyann took a little drive with me. i needed to vent. thank you very much for listening to my rants. it means alot.
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