2003-09-09 - 12:17 p.m.
sept 9
today was filled with misgivings, anger, fear. all because of a little notebook that sat upon my mothers bed.
i begin my tale at the hour of 8 am when i went into my mothers bed room to get a pair of socks. i look over and see the word DEATH in capital letters nestles between other words. well i did the unspeakable. i read the words.
it was journal she keeps. letters to my father.
she talked about how she wishes to die. how she no longer has any lust for life. it even sounded in some of the entrees that she has tried taking her own life only to find she is not strong enough to do so. so she prays to father and to god to give her the strength to take her own life. now any of you after reading something like this 3 1/2 years after your fathers death would naturaly flip your shit.
i ran down to grandma and showed her the notebook telling her we have to do something. she said no. she said we had no right to read it in the first place. well that got me really fuckin angry. i ran back upstaires screaming i am not going to loose another parent!
i went to work worried and wondering about things all day long. i finally came to the conclusion that i was goign to talk to my aunt cathy.
after work i went back home and i could barely look at my mother. kellyann came by and i told her what was going on and she had nothing really to say. who could? but she listened and i thank her for that muchly.
i then went to aunt cathys and i told her about mom and grandma and she was livid. she told me i have to talk to my mom about things. she told me that mom must know that i read her book. and aunt cathy is absolutly right. i am so glad i have her. i dont know what i would do with out her. she is the only one in this family who makes any sense.
when i got home i woke up my mother and we had a long talk. she assured me taht she was just mad and had to write things down. does this put my mind at ease? not a bit. i think every night before i go to bed i will make sure i see her chest rise and fall and when i wake up i will make sure to do the same if she is still in bed.
what a nightmare. and do you know what makes this matter worse? is that my grandmother is all "you are the glue that holds us together you need to be like your father." i cant fill that mans shoes. and that, well this whole things, puts so much pressure on me. i am so mentally exhausted right now.
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