2003-03-05 - 11:37 a.m.
may 3
::paces::
i got panilas I'M SORRY e mail. i'm not going to respond yet. i cant. there is this anger inside of me. rage i believe is a better turm. not only at panila. not only at khan. its at the world. but i digress.
panilas e mail was filled to the brim with apology. and thats nice and all. but how long till i get that phone call. and is he just doing this to make himself feel guiltless or is he really sorry?
::throws a plate::
robbie says he feels excluded? how? everytime we invite him somewhere he is usually turning us down? how do we make him feel like he is not in the loop? i just dont understand. and i want to make it better. i just dont know how.
::throws dog::
why do i feel like this? this rage must be coming from somewhere else. or maybe its because i have been mad for so long and not telling anyone not even myself and finally i am just over flowing with it.
::throws mom::
panila said in his e mail please dont hate jen. do i hate jen? right now yes. why? i dont know. not for a good reason. but i also hate my dog, my grandma, my unborn child and everything and everybody else in this world. i dont hate jen. i envy her. i envy that someone so young has found a love that i dont possess. that i crave for. not the love of panila i mind you but something like it. i envy the fact that she has someone who worships her and she is prolly too young to appreciate it.
::goes to oklahoma beats up on katie and flies back home::
my hate is nothing against anyone. i guess now that i am a bit calmer who i hate the most is myself. the way i have become. so hard and cruel. over judgemental and an all around piece of shit.
i need to go lie down.
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