2003-31-03 - 1:10 p.m.
march 31
everything was fine until i got home. sometimes i truely believe that i should just live at work. then no bad news will crash down on my unsuspecting head.
mom tells me that i am NOT bieng renued for my car insurance. now i thought everything was fine. it just makes no sense...i get tickets, i speed, i run stop signs...i loose my insurance. i NOW drive the speed limit and stop at most stop signs and i still loose my car insurance. NJ CURE was great until they dropped me. only 1700 i was paying a year. now who knows what i will be paying...so i just layed down and cried. my mom did feel bad for me. i just didnt know what else to do but cry.
mom didnt help by telling me that it would be better off if she was dead too then at least i would have money. i was like um...i really would rather you be here. she says the stupidest things some times. she tries to blame alot of things on the death of my father. this would have happened with or without him here. i would rather him here though. these are the times that really remind me how lost i am. how i still dont know much about the world and how it runs. dad knew alot about this stuff. of course he did...he is the one who passed on the rucker luck to me!
i calmed down enough to go to the mall with kellyann. we went in serch of joshes b day presant. i wanted to get him the demon dice he wanted but the people at wizards of the coast looked at poor kellyann like she was nuts when she asked if they had any. they were looking at us like we shoudl know what they were. i meawn hello? you work there. so i got him the merlin DVD and ozzys blizard of ozz cd.
kellyann went home to sleep and i went to debs house to give josh his presant. i cried all the way to debs house. everyone needs time to wallow in thier self pitty. when i got to debs christophe and lauren were there. we watched lilo and stitch and deb gave me a xanax. holy shit people! its better than crack! i was soooo relaxed. i dont know how people dont pop them like candy.
christophe and lauren were very nice. i didnt think they much liked me but deb says they do. lol.
deb went for a little drive with me and i wanted to cry again but i didnt. i just talked about how life is very unfair and i dont know why all these bad things keep happenening to me.
soon after i went home and fell fast asleep. all that crying really made me tired...i slept like a baby
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