04-24-05 - 4:18 p.m.
april 24 sunday
i slept a grand total of three hours! i spent most of my day today sittin in the bathtub i finished the devinci code and now am reading the green mile.
i was talking to kellyann later in the evening and nick is getting married. so is khan. everyone seems to be tying that knot. i dont even have a boyfriend. should i be concerned about this at all? sometimes, i think about it and yes i do want the married life. to be with a man i know who loves me. but will he always? will i catch him in bed with a 16 year old whore? this whore in my bed!!! the bed we made together! lol. do i really want to deal with this shit. maybe alone really is the best way to go. that way you are really only concerned with you. you only have to worry about you. but that also leads to issues. i mean who wants to grow old alone? what if the friends you hold dear to your heart are no longer around. they moved or just lost touch because they have husbands and kids and you no longer can relate to each other? then your all alone. really alone. what an aweful thought.
as girls we spend most of our lives planning this wedding. this one day where we are queens and everyone will ooo and ahh at how beautiful we look and so on and so forth. we picture ourselves in white dresses with long trains holding bouquets of the most beautiful flowers. we picture our family and friends glowing wiht happiness because you are happy. what if i am not able to experiance that. what if my chance never comes? what if my lot in life is to stay alone so as i can help others find there way down lifes path. you never know? i hope not. i would like to find happiness too.
a big secret for you all. my ideal and fantasy wedding would be a cinderella wedding held in disney world. that would make me so happy.
but i wish nick and khan the best of luck down the path of marriage. and i wish for me to get to that point some day in my life as well.
as of right now. i have my life and i have my friends and i couldnt ask for anything more then that. i am content. i have so much fun. who needs anything else! lets party like fuckin rock stars and worry about weddings a bit later in life. :)
�
�
