2004-29-01 - 1:44 p.m.
jan 29 thursday
tonite i went to felix with D. we had a good time. talking about oklahoma and florida and all that. lots o laughs.
when i got home bob had invited me to robs < my x boyfriends > birthday party. bieng planned at felix number nine diner by his WIFE!
i really didnt know what to say to bob. part of me wants to go so i can rub it in robs face about what he left. i wanted to put on my suit and make up and my healed shoes and go in there like i was the most powerful woman known to man kind. the other part of me shrivled up and almost died.
i think people especially bob and khan have forgotten the way rob left me. or that we even dated at all. i remember his e mail to me from the army on valentines day and it was all i love yous and stuff. then nothing. not a word. then he showes up. i will never forget that night. i couldnt speak, neither could he. i never found out really why he really left me. they say he went apeshit and kicked the shit out of his comanding officer and couldnt handle anything anymore. ok fine well tell me that ya know? then when i felt comforetable to go out with him and groups again we started to make out. never was it discussed we would go out again but he had no problem in making m his whore. and i took it! i let him. i wanted him to. stupid april.
then he meets agnishka and they get married out of nowhere and i stood there and i congradulated them because what else was i supposed to do??? then they go and have a baby which makes this so final. i will never get him back. i thought i would for awhile. i thought he would come back. stupid april.
i bet most of you never thought i even felt that strongly for rob. well i did. i do. i guess i can admit that now. just the sound of his name get the butterflys in my tum tum going in circles. and all this came into my head because of a very small and harmless invitation. but! do i go? there are people there that we fell out with a while ago. still nice to me but i dont know if i feel like smiling and thinking of clever things to say al night. but i want to go to show rob how much easier his life could have been if he stayed with me. there would be no marriage yet. no kids. no bullshit. he wouldnt have to work 80 jobs to support a woman who is only using him for a green card anyway!
ooo that was harsh. excuse me
all in all me and rob could have been happy together. but thats not the way it went. i can either be sad about it sill or come to turms with it. i still dont know if i can see him with HER tomorrow night. i think i might just go to Ds like i am supposed to. a nights sleep will give me the answer.
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