2004-15-01 - 6:25 p.m.
jan 15
snow day!!!!
i watched tv. i actually got to see sharon osbournes talk show which was happy.
my family however. not happy. grandma tells me that aunt maryann bought persephone a crib. well...all in all i have to ask myself why? they werent in katies life for 2 years. doesnt that seem wrong? it was an expensive crib too. i wonder how katie is going to feel getting this crib from 2 people who pretty much washed there hands of her. unless they want to start new and fresh. cant rule that out. i mean it was nice of them dont get me wrong. but i dont know how i would feel about getting such an item from people who didnt contact me until i had a baby. it must feel pretty shitty. but now the baby has a gorgeous crib. i dont think katie should send it back. oh hell no.
can i just say something. i want to talk about me here for a moment. fuck everyone else its time for a little april self pitty. i dont do this often. but do you know what i want? i want my sister and that baby in nj with me. i want mom and katie to get along and everything to be normal. is that asking so much?
i want to have persephone downstaires asleep and me and katie talking. i want to hold the baby all the time. i want to take her for walks to the park and play with her on the beach. i want them here!
i want mom and katie to patch up there differances and be civil to one another so that kid can have a grandmother. i want my mom to grow up and stop this grudge shit. i wish katie would apologize then mom can apologize then we can all be a family again.
thats what i miss most of all. my family. mom dad katie. we are all so broken and it hurts. sure its hard on my mother and its hard on katie too but you know what? i am in the middle wether i like it or not because all i want is peace and i cant stop myself from trying to get it.
this crib thing made mom upset because other people in the family are now buying things for the baby and i know it hurts her that shes not. but mom wont break and i dont think katie will either. got i wish one of them would. you can tell mom is upset that she is not in this childs life. there were tears in her eyes when she saw the pics but she didnt say anything. she wont talk to me about it.
mom really would have never known about the crib if grandpa, for the first time in his life, felt chatty and opened his mouth. but we shouldnt have to hide the fact that we are getting gifts for the baby. all in all i dont think mom is upset about the crib i think she upset because it was done secretly. i can understand that. THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID
i love everyone i do. i miss katie and persephone so much sometimes it makes me cry. i miss holding that little baby. i miss talking to katie until 2 in the morning. i miss the little faces persephone would make. i just want my family back. i miss them. even though they are here they just arent. if dad was alive we would still be how we were. i do believe that. somehow he held us together. i wonder how my dad is right now looking down at his granddaughter. i wonder if he is mad at mom for the way she is acting. i wonder if he is mad at katie for not calling mom. if he was here that little baby and katie would be in this house right now. he would never have let her stay in oklahoma. but everything hapens for a reason right?
anyway i also felt bad today because matts grandfather passed away. i read it in his journal. poor kid.
i went to the diner with D and had some laughs but all in all its been a trying day and i am tired. good night
�
�
