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07-22-05 - 2:02 p.m.

july 22 friday

"The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man's foot long enough to enable him to put the other somewhat higher."
-Thomas Henry

friday night was another wonderful evening at seaside heights. i cant tell you how happy i am to be there again. the lights, the people, the smells, the noises of the games. it always reminds me of the boardwalk in the lost boys movie.
we made sure to play house of the dead again, get fried oreos. this time we even went on the beach! D put her feet in the water. i just stared out into the vastness of the ocean. i love to hear the waves crashing onto the shore. i would love nothing more then to get a beach house one year. to fall asleep and wake up to the sounds of the ocean.

july 23 saturday

it was a happy day and yet it was not. khans engagement party had gone very nicely. although d robbie and i stayed d robbie and i. some times khan would come by but they had many people to meet and greet. ethan and aimee came with there little boy. rob came with his little girl. i fear for that child. rob seems to really want nothing to do with her. now i am not saying that becuase he is my x and i wish badness upon him. he showed it to us by constantly telling the kid to leave him alone. not to hang on him all day. i was surprised that when the went in the pool he didnt just let her drown. mean of me i know.
the problem with the day was is that we were leaving khans to take kellyann out to celebrate her engagement. it was just me deb and d taking her to wildflowers in new hope. this would all have been ok if we didnt have to lie to deb about khans engagement party. you see my dear friend deb was not invited. i didnt know how to tell her. i kept avoiding the subject. the subject was brought up quite a bit and starting to weigh on both my head and heart.
kellyanns dinner was very nice and we all had a wonderful time.
on the way home of course deb askes if we thought we would get an ivitation to khans wedding. i was like omg...i cant take this anymore. but did i tell her? no. i didnt know what to say. guilt. ugh.
kellyann and i wound up talking about it on the stoop for a little while. i was very relieved when i text deb to ask if we could get together. she said yes. as i am driving there i kept wondering how i would tell her. i mean all in all i have lied to the girl for months now pretending i had no idea about any details of khans wedding.
when she got in the car i was silent. she stared at me. it was not going well. finally i blurted out that i had lied to her and that i was sorry. i told her khans engagement party was today. robbie d and i went . that she was not invited. we talked this threw for 2 hours. she was not hurt by me not telling her. i told her i just didnt know how. she was hurt that khan did not invite her. she said she knew they werent close anymore but didnt realize they were no longer friends. i didnt know what to say. instead i told her about how they didnt have a reception hall or any of that stuff yet. you know you try and make things better by making other peoples lives look worse. bad way to go i know.
at least now i have that off my chest. i hate having to be the bearer of bad news. but thats my lot in life. its not alot but its my life. lol

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