01-24-05 - 12:06 p.m.
jan 24 monday
i have recieved an e mail from hillary asking if we could have some closer this evening at the felix diner. i shouldnt go. but i feel i must. mainly because i want to see her reaction to things. Not to mention i feel the need to talk to her in person about the events of the past.
so at 8 pm i met her at the felix number nine diner. She looked nervous and i felt sick. I didnt want to do this anymore. I didnt want to sit with her and pretend like i didnt want to yell and grab her by her head and throw it into the table. but you gatta do what you gatta do.
away i went into the building and we sat down and at first no one spoke. finally i said why did you want to see me. we began our discussion of what went on. I did most of the talking. She could not tell me why she did as she did. I guess when you do stupid things what answer could you possibly give that would make the other person feel ok? I told her exactly how i felt and exactly what i thought of her. I held nothing back. I felt better and better and i saw her looking worse and worse. Its horrible i know but i feel like she should have looked as horrible as she did. I wanted her to look that way because i knew that everything that i was saying was right. I would take nothing back.
I like that i was able to keep calm and talk like a grown up. I am glad that i had the chance to tell her how i felt about both her and the situation and see her reaction. what i did not like was when she backslammed me with asking wether or not i would allow her to go new orleans. wow did that put me in a rock and a hard place. I explained that she has shelled out the money so it would be wrong of me to ask her not to go. However the only thing i could promise her was that she would not die on the trip and i would be civil. Nothing more, nothing less. But i hated that she rested this on my shoulders. because no i dont want her to go. I want her to stay home and wish she had never did hurtful things to people who cared about her. I want her to suffer! oh sorry. lol. but really what can i do? its her money. so go. go hill and ruin my time. go and do what you think is best. ugh.
let us pray that she will grow common sense and stay the hell home.
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